Heavenly Fighter, Bowie. Episode 1 "Simplicity"

[Ryu (non-working password]

Mike thank you very much!
I really appreciate someone with writing and acting experience offering me some critiques on my work, and I'm equally glad that you liked it as well!
I do need to be careful of having the dialogue read like a book, but I want some impact with the words they are speaking, etc. But I don't want it to be corny at all.
Can you give me an example perhaps? I want it to sound natural, but I don't want to have them sound ....... "uneducated"? That's probably the wrong word, but you probably know what I'm referring too.
Again thanks for the critique, I am definately going to look into it. If you could offer an example of dialogue that is more "flowing" it would be appreciated.

Thanks
Ryu

[MikeJKD]

Sure thing. Here is a segment of what you wrote. The scene is dramatic enough, and your characters have some good depth later on, but remember that this is where we are introduced to them, so their personalities need to be as apparent as their relationship to one another. This is why Steven King is such a good writer. He really goes all out on character development. Re-read this section...Ryu....


Kong: Bowie, please enter.

Bowie: (Bowing) Am I really to be leaving, Master?

Kong: You cannot stay here any longer.

Bowie: (confused) But why, Master? Have I not kept to the training you have given me?

Kong: You have...
(It is my idea to show brief scenes of Bowie?s departure from the temple, and wonderings of afar
in between this conversation. As if this conversation is a memory in Bowie?s mind.)
Bowie: Have I not done all you have told me? Have I not devoted my training to the lessons and
movements you have taught?

Kong: You have...
(Another brief scene)
Bowie: Then why must I leave you , Master? What have I done wrong?

Kong: You must leave because you are right, not wrong.

Bowie: Master, I don?t understand.

Kong: If you understood all at this moment, Bowie, you would be a very pale man indeed.
Understanding is your responsibility, as is your training.

Bowie: My training?!
(One last scene)
Bowie: But I want to train with you! Why must I go?

Now, picture yourself having the same conversation. Is this what it would sound like? Granted, you have to consider time, place, and setting as a whole, but think of replacing some of the "Have I not" phrases with "Haven't I" or In Bowie's last line "Why must I go?" Think about making it "Why do I have to go!?" I know they're small changes, but they make a difference. What you wrote reads a little like the same person having a conversatiopn with himself, because the speech patterns don't change from character to character. Think about real life. Everyone has their own way of talking, their own mannerisms, and their own particular patterns of speech. Some people say "cool" all the time, and some, like, you know, like, they fill in their sentences with, like, other words. I think the character of Kong should speak very properly, and the way you wrote him as not using contractions like "can't or don't" very often helps, because it gives him an air of (for lack of a better word) venerable wisdom. But with Bowie, don't you want him to be more like the people watching? His speech patterns are just like the Master's, and the point of the story is to show HIS journey of discovery, meaning that venerable knowledge and wisdom shouldn't really reflect in his character just yet. I hope that makes sense. Just try it like this:
Whenever you sit down to write lines, you kind of have to become the actors, which means you have to really know your characters...their beliefs, their personalities, their habits, and how they react to things. Thse invisible elements are what make a character. Then, before you write their lines, get "into character" for that particular person, and write the line the way that they'd say it rather than the way you'd say it. One possibility:

Kong: Bowie, please enter.

Bowie: Master. Am I really...going?

Kong: You cannot stay here any longer.

Bowie: (he would fel confused, somewhat scared, and maybe even a little hurt by this...) But...why?! Haven't I trained the way you told me to? Haven't I...what have I...

Kong: You have done well... ( the brief scene or flashback goes in here, and should be designed to give some insight into the characters and WHY Bowie cares so much about the place and this teacher.)

Bowie: Then I don't understand. (quieter, almost to himself) what have I done wrong.

Kong: You must leave because you are right.

Bowie: But I don't understand. (trying to clarify, both to his teacher and to himself) I want to keep training. I want to stay here with you!

Kong: Bowie, if you understood everything at this moment, you would be a very pale man indeed...

Something to that effect. Without the English accents and such, take a look at the dialogue between Richard Harris and Russell Crowe in "Gladiator" when Ceasar (Harris) and Maximus (Crowe) are in the tent after the battle in Germania. This is a great example of similar circumstances. It's a capable but respectful younger warrior (Maximus and Bowie) talking to an older warrior and teacher-slash-father figure (Ceasar and Kong) about an uncertain future. You probably learn more about the characters in that scene...what is important to them and why...than in any other in the movie. And while it's a lot more subtle than the emotionally intense "I am a slave! What possible difference can I make?!" scene, it carries more weight, and it makes you want to see these characters succeed. I think that's the kind of air you need. Keep it up, though. You have a lot to work with. Just try to really put yourself into your characters' shoes and write what they say, feel, and believe rather than writing the words you would put down yourself. Best of luck, and keep me posted...
Mike

[Ryu (non-working password]

Mike,
I can't thank you enough for taking the time and effort to post that and give me the pointers you did. I can see exactly what you mean now, and after re-reading the first part I think that I will definately go with your advise. I have just finished the second episode, and Bowie is still trying to figure himself out. This is the journey I want. He may have come across a little too learned in that first scene, and even in the first episode, Bowie tends to be the voice of wisdom for Li Mei. I do want this for Bowie because he definately is a monk with a lot of wisdom under his belt. BUT he's still human, and still learning, so I want that to really show up as well.

Mike thanks again, and I'll keep you guys all posted.

Ryu

[MikeJKD]

No Problem, Ryu. I look forward to Episode 2.
Mike