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Chuck Norris
I received this by email this morning. Thought it was pretty funny.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry
sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually
a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that
day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,
sir."
That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire
state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry
sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually
a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that
day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,
sir."
That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire
state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.
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