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Two mma fighters? Why not three? JohnJ could take on four mma fighters with only a worn-out tube sock, a handful of wooden nickels, one piece of wrigley's chewing gum, and a rolled up reader's digest magazine. McGuiver ain't got nuthin on him.
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That sounds fascinating!
How would he use the wrigleys chewing gum? I have a few ideas myself. Just want to check out if they are up to speed!Comment
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Self-reward. JohnJ uses pavlov's law as part of his defense training.Comment
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A certain senior member here is at it again...lolOriginally posted by Phil Elnore View Post
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Why this is amazing, the troll is still trying to make sense. What's next? Your continued dialogue just proves how stupid you are.Self-reward. JohnJ uses pavlov's law as part of his defense training.Comment
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Re the wrigleys.
Are there reasons whjy this specific manufacturer is used? I would imagine there is a market for gums with a certain glueability - hence can be used to close a bad guys eyes (and keep 'em shut!), choke him or, perhaps, obtain a dental impression of him for evidential purposes.
My senior members on the martialists have researched an array of foodstuffs for their potential combatives value, and I have been trying to find the results. We were attacked by a virus on our site though, probably instigated by MMA misguided ass holes. So all I have left is from memory. Here are some thoughts
Melons - big, strong and blunt. Theres nothing quite like a melon or two in a bad guys face to stun him.
Pizza - Can be a projectile, and I could spin mine quite a distance. Practice in pairs with a good catcher to avoid wastage. If still hot it could burn an attackers face enough to give you time to get your melons out.
Fries - The McDonalds fries are my favourite, though I do like Burger King, Wendy's and more or less everyone else's. Go for the ones that are hard and crispy, as they can be used to gouge eyes and stick in nostrils (far more painful than people realise. I have accidentally done this to myself a number of times when scooping handfuls in my mouth at a time. You gotta eat quick in case you're attacked, because you may never know where your next meal is coming from!).
Burgers - not as useless as you might think. A burger over each eye could temporarily blind a person, giving you time to get your melons out. (Far more painful than people realise. I have accidnetally slapped the odd burger over my eyes when I have been scooping them in my mouth in numbers. Attacked? Next Meal? Are we learning yet!!!!!)
Ice cream - now this is an excellent surprise tactic, and works particularly well against bad guys who have no tactical trousers, or any trousers, on. Often carried in a cornet, the ice cream can be deployed against the genital region and, especially during hot weather, the sudden shock of cold can send someone into a sudden cold shock. Release the cornet on impact and (now get this) if you have been tactically aware enough to lace the edges of your cornet with wrigleys, the cornet should stay in place providing a visual on where the bad guys weaner is located. This can then be attacked with your melons.
Frogs Legs - we wanted to research European food also, to help our European colleagues who are so VIOLATED by their Governments that they cannot even carry melons in self defence. These dangerous items are body parts, not weapons and are therefore exempt from their draconian fascist laws. To deploy, hold the legs by the hip area, then either scoop them round into the opponents thigh (no high kicks remember!) or stomp them down onto the bad guys instep. Especially useful if you are kneeling down in front of a bad guy after giving his weaner a good seeing to with your cornet. Do not forget the steel toe capped boots.
Bananas - an excellent throwing implement. Please please please do NOT peel them though, as they don't hurt a bad guy quite as much on imapct and, as the old Aboriginal saying goes "A mushy boomerang never comes back." Aim for the eyes, throat and between the legs. If you catch him up in the "fork" you may get the whole banana split.
Apple Pie - after seeing a certain film (right guys?) the combat potential of an apple pie is tremendous indeed. Again, better for those occasions where the bad guys has no trousers on. Getting your own melons out may well assist in priming the target into a state of dippy readines, then dip it into the pie whilst piping hot.
Now I could go on but, quite frankly, much of this should not be available to the MMA pussy types who secretly steal our ideas from the internet. Leave those idiots to their fists, secure in the knowledge that they really don't know how to give a good fisting to anyone!Comment
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Woohoo, those were great.
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Nice post, very funny.Comment
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Originally posted by Phil Elnore View Post
LOLOLOLOL! This (and this screen name in general) just made my day
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I am glad that some (only some!) of the people are clever enough to appreciate the sound tactics involved in the above methodologies.
For a 24 hour period only I will allow people to name one food item that they have in mind and, free of charge, I will describe how best to use it in a combative manner.
This is a serious opportunity gents. Any Ladies? I have even more uses for you.
Just elect the foodstuffs, and I will educate you.Comment
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Originally posted by Phil Elnore View Post
Wow, I'm going to ask about two types of food, which may be greedy of me but an opportunity like this is just too good to pass up.
1. The chili cheese dog- and specifically what sort of mustard is best on a chili dog from a self-defense stand point?
2. Cream cheeseComment
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1. Chilli Cheese Dog / mustard related issue
Great question. The special thing about the chilli cheese dog is not outlining how best to use it, but in how best NOT to use it!
OK, unless it is on crispy french bread, it is unlikely that it will serve you well as a stabbing weapon. The only appearance of anything like a wound whatsoever will be the remnants of any tomato sauce that the operator may have chosen to deploy to the weapon facilitation area.
Neither it is a slashing weapon. Someone really adrenalised, especially a Muslim Terrorist, may well not even feel it no matter how hot off the grill it comes. Amazing, but true.
And throwing? I have only managed to effectively used it once in a manner similar to this, and it wasn't "throwing" as much as "throwing up." A female came within my personal space. It turned out that a rival operator had paid her in an assassination attempt (She actually said "I have been paid by your friend to blow you." Now this bitch looked nothing like Tom Cruise, so I yelped up my previously eaten chilli cheese dog in her face. It worked of course, especially when I continued to re-consume various parts of it to re-arm myself.
No, the best way to utilise the chilli cheese dog is to place in a potential assailants tactical trousers (front end), take him to Peter Pinkos up on Boyzone Street and acheive an effective armed entry into the building. When the bulk of that chilli cheese dog is seen by Peter and his boys, they will give him a fisting that he will not forget!
Mustard, as always, is a question of getting wha you paid for. OK, many people have a false economy by merely checking out their local store (armed of course, who knows who may ATTACK you!) and buying the cheapest they can see. But, if you really want to make the bad guy scream in agony when you rub into his trousers, then get Phil's very own "ScrapeitoffmypantsafterI'vebeenwearingemallweek" Mustard. That stuff is fookin deadly!
2. Cream cheese. I have my own brand of cream cheese also, but cannot go into too much detail, as those MMA scum bags will misrepresent my views and merely dismiss me as a fat sad skill devoid wannabe nobster. I put in my stupid UFC fights regularly and fire of my cream cheese whe they get all sweaty.
Any more?Comment
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As an aside, I will also include detailed operational instructions on how to use the varying anatomy of any animal on behalf of our European cousins (not French though. They really need to learn what the term "entrepreneur" means).Comment
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The french have no use for self defense, anyways.
btw, anyone catch the last ufc...George St. Pierre, I'm not gay, but I think I'd fook that french canuck. I heart George.Comment
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The penis can be quite a weapon too, or so I am told by those guys who can get theirs hard.Comment
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