Announcement

**Erica** · 07-24-2002, 02:44 PM

Formerly Battered Women Answer: Why We Stayed

Formerly Battered Women Answer: Why We Stayed

Optimism: “I thought he’d change when he got a job and quit drinking. I really felt things would get better.”

Denial: “I didn’t believe that this was happening. My partner said I was the problem and my friends did not believe that she was capable of such violence.”

Religious and Family Pressures: “I was taught that I should stay married no matter what -- that I needed a husband, the kids needed a father and any problems could be worked out if I tried hard enough.”

Fear: “He said that if I ever left, he’d find me and kill me -- and if he couldn’t, he’d kill himself.”

Economic Dependence: “He wouldn’t allow me to work. He made all the money and controlled all the money. Who would support me and my kids?”

Legal Dependence: “He threatened to report me -- I am not a legal resident.”

Shame, Embarrassment: “I didn’t ask for help because I felt people would think I was stupid for staying as long as I did. Besides, I considered myself a together, successful person, not battered.”

Love: “When she wasn’t being abusive, she was very kind and gentle...like the woman I fell in love with.”

Desire to Help: “I knew he was abusing me, but I also knew he was in a lot of pain. He was abused as a child. I wanted to help him. I was sure that with time, I could.”

Cultural Isolation: “I had just arrived in this country, didn’t know anyone but my husband, and spoke very little English. My husband was the only one I could turn to. As hard as it was to endure his abuse, I thought it would be harder to leave.”

Lowered Self Esteem: “When I first met him, I liked myself and thought I could have a terrific future. His abuse was subtle at first. Before long, however, he began to humiliate me in front of others. It made me feel I was stupid and worthless. After a while, I began to hate myself and feel like probably all men were like him.”

Opression: “I am a battered African -American lesbian. In this society, people mistreat me because of my gender, my race and my sexual preference. I didn’t think I could find any help.”

Responsibility “I had to take care of the children, the household and even his parents. I didn’t have time to worry about my own needs, much less my safety.”

Survival “I couldn’t leave because it took all the energy I had just to make it through the day.”

“I wonder why people want to know why we stayed. What about him? If he really believed what he said -- that I was ugly, lazy, stupid, and a whore, why didn’t he leave me? Why aren’t you asking him, "Why did you stay?”

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