Ladies, what do you think?

[Tom Yum]

Actually happened to me! I was on South Beach and I was like maybe 22 yrs. old myself. Started chatting up this breathtaking hardbody (string bikini, flawless tan, gold hoop earrings, etc.) when this short fat hairy little guy in a speedo and a huge gold chain walks up to us says "I'm goin' in for a swim, ya comin'?" and snap! just like that she was gone! running into the water after him! When I walked back up to my buddies they could hardly breathe, they were all laughing so hard!

Is this how the South Beach diet got started?

[Garland]

MEN TO AVOID. PERIOD.

1. His idea of talking dirty in bed is telling you he has a cock.

2. If he wants to cook you a romantic dinner on the second date, he's cheap.

3. The guy who believes a "meaningful conversation" includes quoting The Simpsons, Ben Stiller flicks, and any trilogy.

4. He owns anything Sean John, and lounges in velour. Ew.

5. If he paws at his balls and responds with a, "Ohhh, yeah, those are ripe." He'll probably always prefer the smell of his own soggy balls and farts to your perfumed skin. Be the umpire and throw his foul balls out.

6. He drinks pink adult beverages claiming he's fine with his seexuality. You'll have to fight over your china pattern, bedding fabric, and candle scent. And he'll critique your shoes.

7. If he favors generic vanilla wafer cookies, just-add-water products, and frozen chicken wings, your life together will be as slow as the people who work at Duane Reade.

8. If he refers to himself as "pappi" get a restraining order.
If he rides the cart at the supermarket, and you're hoping he'll grow out of it once your basket is filled with Luvs, find another love.

9. He says he's got a lot of stuff to do first thing the next morning… playing the quelle cool-hand-luke card. "A lot of stuff" involves "taking a shite." Period.

10. When he examines all the flatware and then polishes it with his napkin while you're out to dinner, he's a control freak who will obsess over the organization of your entire life, right down to the coat closet.

11. If the Ken in your life calls you "dude," or emails "whut up?" send him Skipper's way. He's not ready for Barbie.

12. His idea of clever is, "I'm just joshing." You might want to keep this one around, actually. You'll lose at least five pounds of holiday bloat with all the vomiting.

13. The Oral Sex South Beach Dieter: if he won't eat carbs, he'll suck at eating you in bed.

14. His "cool wardrobe" consists of the windows of Banana Republic and JOSa Bank. He doesn't know from risks, and your life together will be dreary.

15. If he whines, squeals, or giggles, you'll have to constantly remind yourself he's not the one with the ovaries.

16. If his face turns red and he gets tight-lipped when you kick his ass at Scrabble, he's a loser in more ways than one.

17. The 007 who convinces you he's suave with his half-stand at the dinner table, myriad hard-to-obtain-reservations, and imposing vocabulary until you hear him whine to his mother.

18. If he can't IM you and still get his work done, he's a horrible multi-tasker; you'll never achieve simultaneous orgasms.

19. He pulls a loose strand of hair aside for you, tucking it behind your ear on the second date. It's his power move, and it's never sincere.

20. He still wants to go to Turks & Caicos Club Med. Enough said.

21. If he doesn't put the moves on by the end of the third date, he's terrible at closing other deals, too. Take heed.

22. Bankers or hedgefunders who still consider themselves bankers past the age of 29; they're insecure and hopelessly dull.

23. Surgeons. They've got a sloppy God complex that spills over into their social lives.

24. Any white guy who busts into ghettochat just because he plays b-ball, knows guys who work the door, or listens to jazz.


25. The never-been-married post 40-year-old man whom romantically claims to still want a wife and kids. He's holding out for an imaginary perfect 10 and will never be happy.

26. Any guy that a) has a musical instrument but has never played professionally (save for the acoustic guitar because that's just HOT), b) has a canvas and paints but never been in a gallery, c) has truffle oil but is not a chef at a restaurant; he is only marginally talented, and you'll be forced to enjoy his "talents" in awe for too long.

27. The guy who openly deprecates gifts of jewelry; he thinks every girl is after his money even though he doesn't earn half as much as most men in Manhattan. He's not WORTH your time.

28. He claims to be a metroseexual aloud. He's gay.

29. He stares in the mirror. He's not only, as you would suspect, obsessed with his looks; he's trying to casually check out the other woman across the bar. He'll never be satisfied with just you.

30. He already knows the words to Gavin DeGraw songs. He's too effeminate to spank you in bed.

31. He's obsessed with his balls because he's got nothing else going on.

32. Men with bottles of "thinning hair" shampoos and sprays. He likely takes Propecia and has no seex drive.

33. A man who excuses himself from the table, saying he has to "tinkle." Oy.

34. When you're upset over something he has done, he claims, "But I'm just a dumb boy, not worthy of your emotions." Believe him. (Alcoholics do this too!)

35. He's sensitive and wants to talk about your relationship all the fcuking time. Thread count notwithstanding, some things are just too soft, and soft doesn't do us much good in the bedroom. I don't care what he's read in Cosmo.

36. A man who trims. He's hoping it will look bigger; but, here's a newsflash, it'll always feel small.

37. A man who when you mention Astroglide replies, "Oooh, the one with the purple cap? That shite's the bomb."

38. Anyone who says, "the bomb," "nizzle," or "bi-atch."

39. If he shaves, waxes, or lazers his arms, legs, or chest and isn't a professional swimmer or diver, swim away.

40. Any man who wears a class ring, pinky ring, or metal necklace. Run.

41.He quotes Shakespeare, reads the Iliad for fun, and doesn't just own, but uses, drink coasters. He'll want to see your wedding dress before you actually buy it to ensure it's up to snuff.

42. He has a subscription to Maxim or Gay Men's Health; he's still in college.

43. If when you go out for sushi, he always orders chicken teriyaki, you've got a chicken shite on your hands with no sense of adventure.

44. Avoid any man who speaks with his mother more than twice a week; he might as well still be milking, especially avoid those that work for their mothers.

45.He invests in a Sports Club L.A. membership to only use the elliptical and treadmill. He's shallow, and his idea of introspection is picking his nose.

47. "Wait did I tell you this already?" is his code for "I'm dating a lot of other women, even though I'm going to pretend we're exclusive by avoiding 'the talk.'"

48. He says "fine" then fcuks the ex-girlfriend that broke his heart. Can we say passive aggressive?

1) a cock?...maybe that works with farm girls who need to get up early. lol.
2) what if he's a trained chef? I mean...if he's whipping up Ramen...maybe not.
3) Ben Stiller's "Permanent Midnight" is actually a very, VERY good show about addiction and struggles with identity and meaninglessness in our fast-paced society where everyone is wrapped up in climbing the social ladder with pecuniary emulation.
4) ...okay...Poor Biggie...it should've been Puffy.
5) I would advise against touching those balls at all. Picking them up, dusting them off, and throwing them in any direction sounds a bit uncouth.
6) Metro.
7) he he he he... what do you have against nilla waffers? They're GOOD. especially with prune juice and low fat milk.
8) Pappi? Unless he's a Columbian drug lord...then he might have some skrilla. Shoping Carting? C'mon, it's fun...if you're drunk.
9) A lot of stuff could imply anything...press for more info. No need to throw the dude out with the bath water. he he he.
10) unless you're with your parents and it's to avoid looking your mother or father in the eye.
11) Unless you're down with that... or it could be sarcasm.
12) I'm just joshing? Pimp slap the fool. Keep his man-ho ass in line.
13) Not necessarily. But if you carb load...or eat alot of fast food...he'll pretend he does so you won't ask his poor ass again.
14) Banana Republic...the guy needs a vacation to the Republic of Congo. They have bananas there, right?
15) I giggle. You insensitive pricks.
16) Unless he caught you cheating at scrabble...which may mean that you could be a cheater in more ways than one. Or maybe he just realized the kid ain't his...
17) ...James Bond was an orphan acording to the storyline. You'd have to be. I could throw in some slurs and stereotypes right now. What if James Bond was wearing a yamaca?
18) IM? **** TECHNOLOGY.
19) Unless that stray hair is dipping into his food. Then it's sincere.
20) uh...yeah.
21) Or he believes in chivalry...or there's something wrong with your face, and he's waiting for those nasty looking sores to dissipate.
22) Bankers...****. yeah...hopeless.
23) Unless they're gynecologists...then they'll get to know you inside and out.
24) Jazz? Victor Wooten kicks ass. :fu:
25) might as well have said "40 year old virgin"
26) Unless he's NOT a pretentious douche bag. The guitar might have sentimental value. (i.e. they own a guitar, but don't play)
27) She ain't a gold digga, but she ain't messing with no...wait...yeah she is. Shallow.
28) Or bi-curious...in which case, perfect for the type of sadist chick who wants to throw a three way...basicly to watch "her" man get nailed in to behind.
29) Or he's thinking...I need to shave...ten days living under that overpass makes me look like Grizzly Adams.
30) lol!
31) Or he has some sort of testicular problem...in which case he should consult a physician.
32) Actually, head hair loss, and alot of body hair mean masse testosterone.
33) Ask who his partner is.
34) This is new to me.
35) Or he's trying to make up for breaking the springs on your bed.
36) Unless it's like a brillo afro down there...sometimes a trim is needed...shaving's cumbersome because there's always a chance of razor bumps and ingrown hairs...NEVER wax. **** that shit...OUCH!
37) Slip-slip-slippity-slide...pour it on yo ass and prepare to g-l-i-d-e.
38) There is a subtle difference between bia-tch and bitch...there is simply not enough space to descripe the different nuances of the term bia-tch.
39) Sometimes the shoulders, back, lower back...needs to go.
40) There are tasteful metal necklaces...so long as you don't pull a Mr. T. you're probably in the clear.
41) Class is class. I own coasters...and I have read the Illiad for fun. Low brow (here we go in the proper context) bia-tches need not apply.
42) ...ok. yeah. agreed. (but at least he's in college...and not a hood rat )
43) Unless he orders tori karaage...not teriyaki.
44) Unless he takes care of her (within reason) and she's disabled.
45) Introspection at the gym? Huh? ...uh...ok? Whatever.
46) what, where is it?
47) Get the rules, and status out there first thing. Write up a fucking contract if you need to...STD's are not what you want!
48) :fu: it was a mistake, I was drunk, messed up on tranquilizers...and the current one cheated first...and I didn't **** her...just messed around a bit.

[Garland]

Remember a book called "the rules" that came out awhile ago?

All she needs is some serious deep dicking to alter her world view.

[Tom Yum]

Remember a book called "the rules" that came out awhile ago? All she needs is some serious deep dicking to alter her world view.

Garland, do you think she may have gotten this way because of getting dicked?

[Garland]

Garland, do you think she may have gotten this way because of getting dicked?

No...in fact I think she may have been a little too "boxed" in around her ears. Maybe she just built up defenses like Dutch dams.

[Tom Yum]

No...in fact I think she may have been a little too "boxed" in around her ears. Maybe she just built up defenses like Dutch dams.

If I mentioned she had a kid and is single, that certainly changes our perception of her experiences and could explain why she's so 'specific' in her preference.

If you had to raise a child on your own, you'd have almost no time for yourself - you might get to work your bag for 15 minutes, but an infant requires 24-7 attention - that bag would have to be in your garage and you'd have to be able to hear when your infant is crying so you can change diapers, feed or whatever is required.

In addition, you've got to feed, cloth and take care of someone other than yourself. You are responsible for another life.

Seeing as alot of her resources (time, money and energy) are tied up for a while, doesn't it seem rational that she will want a bigger bang for her buck in terms of relationship (i.e. Mr. Perfect).

Not saying this guy exists and if he did, lets hope he's open minded, because Mr. Perfect, who is a visual creature, wealthy, horny yet sensitive, well endowed etc. is going to be searching for Mrs. Perfect, who will meet his standards of beauty, sexuality, partnership etc.

I could be completely wrong in this assumption. Seeing as your an aspiring psychologist, I figure I'd throw this your direction...

[Garland]

If I mentioned she had a kid and is single, that certainly changes our perception of her experiences and could explain why she's so 'specific' in her preference.

Damn...you came off pretty strong just now...do you know the woman personally?

[Tom Yum]

Damn...you came off pretty strong just now...do you know the woman personally?

I tried to put myself in her situation, then rationalize why she said the things she did. In the end, the guy she's dreaming about doesn't exist.

[osopardo]

Is this how the South Beach diet got started?

I'll have you know, back in them days I was 6'-2" tall and all of 174 lbs soaking wet! I was like a really cool, suave, good lookin' bean pole!

[gabbah]

I tried to put myself in her situation, then rationalize why she said the things she did. In the end, the guy she's dreaming about doesn't exist.

As if the woman we guys dream of exists.
Come on guys, women also have to take a dump or fart sometimes.

[Garland]

I tried to put myself in her situation, then rationalize why she said the things she did. In the end, the guy she's dreaming about doesn't exist.

The book proportes ways to manipulate men. I'll try to find some excerpts that I came across reading it that absolutely blew my mind...the stuff is downright malicious. I already got a neg rep for the deep dicking comment...it was a bit crude and crass...but I think it's justified. The woman is evil.

To prove her point, Ms. Fein provided us with an excerpt from the upcoming book, what she calls the "Top Ten Rules for a Lasting Rules Marriage."

1) Be an inscrutable creature of mystery.

Being an inscrutable creature of mystery is really an attitude, a sense of entitlement that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (rarely), speak (affectedly) and listen (occasionally). If your hair falls in front of your eyes, sweep it back from your face in a long, sweeping gesture. If smoke gets in your eyes, fan it away in a long, fanning gesture. When he says "I love you," get a faraway look in your eye and cough lightly. Then say something vague like "Did I leave the oven on?"

2) Never do anything yourself that he can do for you.

Men love being asked for help, as this makes them feel useful and alive. Never lift anything that weighs more than 2.5 pounds without whimpering ever so slightly. Refuse to learn how to work the VCR. There is no game so compelling and no job so important that it cannot be dropped immediately so he can come to your aid. Men are biologically programmed to hunt and lift, and they appreciate the chance to demonstrate this at every opportunity.

3) Have sex no more than once a week.

Just because you're married doesn't mean you're always available. You refused to date him more than once a week before you were married -- why start giving in now? The unobtainable is always more exciting, because men want things they cannot have. Even during sex, you should remain somewhat distant. When he says, "Oh, baby," say, "What's different about your ceiling?"

4) Don't stop playing hard to get.

During the courtship, you acted sweet and demure. Just because you are married doesn't mean you can start being yourself. We know it's hard, but it's a Rule. If he has a bad day at work, or if his mother dies, disappear for a week without leaving a note. If your budget doesn't allow for this, invite the gardener in for a martini or call his boss and tell him you're lonely. The best way to encourage a man is to make him wonder what you are up to as he attends an important out-of-town conference or the funeral of a loved one.

5) Don't speak.

Now that you live together and you can't time your phone conversations, you must avoid seeming desperate. This can be accomplished by eschewing conversation. Simply don't speak, then act surprised if he asks you if anything is the matter. If he asks what's wrong, say, "Nothing!" in a high register and hum cheerfully to yourself. If he walks out of the room, don't follow him or he'll think you're a loser. If he loves you, he'll come back bearing an expensive gift. If he comes back without an expensive gift, call his best friend and tell him you are lonely.

6) Don't stick to your budget.

Remember: It's always the girl in the cute clothes who gets the guys. He won't care what the bank does with the house as long as you are wearing $500 strappy sandals. There will always be other nest eggs, but these shoes will only be in style for a season. Max out the credit cards at Prada. He'll forgive everything when he sees you in that sexy top.

7) Don't initiate sex.

Even after you are married, act like a Rules girl on your first date. If he makes a move, slap him. Men love feisty and violent women. Be coy. If he touches your thigh, say, "Now, Roger," in a warning tone. If he touches your breast, say, "Now, Donald." Pretend to forget who he is. Giggle mysteriously when he asks if you are OK. Say, "If a tree falls in the forest, does it kill a squirrel?"

8) Act independent.

Fellate the gardener. If he catches you, say, "Home so soon?" As your husband, he'll want you all to himself, and will demand to know the meaning of this. Pretend you don't speak the language. Pretend to be an alien from the planet Venus. Pretend the CIA has implanted a chip in your head and that's why you have to wear a tinfoil cap.

9) Don't concern yourself with what he does.

If he suddenly starts coming home after dinner, hum louder and more cheerfully. If he mentions he was working late, pretend not to notice he was gone. If he demands to know what your problem is, pretend to be distracted by a clever line on "Friends." Say, "How do they come up with this stuff?" If he tells you he is unhappy, turn on the hair dryer. He'll plotz when he sees your new hairstyle. If he serves you with divorce papers, make an origami swan and balance it attractively on your head.

10) Don't apologize.

Remember why you married him in the first place: for the ring, which you get to keep. Also, the house. If you're feeling weak about the Rules and are starting to feel like your old, pain-in-the-neck self, reread "The Rules." Then buy "The Rules II: More Rules." Then buy "The Rules III: Time-Tested Secrets for a Lasting Marriage." Take a bubble bath. Exercise. Take another bubble bath. Think about your life. Don't eat a cookie.


salon.com

The woman is...bring the neg rep...a fucking ****.

[DickHardman]

this right here is what women want.

[Garland]

You are a creature unlike any other (Rule #1), that's why you need ... The Rules

A simple set of do's and don'ts, The Rules will lead you to where you want to be: in a healthy, committed relationship. Unlike today's haphazard dating customs, The Rules recognizes certain facts of life. That men know what they want. That a man is either attracted to you -- or not! That men want a challenge, not an instant or easy victory.

When you follow these commonsense guidelines, you treat yourself with respect and dignity -- and demand that men do likewise. Although they sound old-fashioned ('Don't see him more than once or twice a week'), they encourage you to lead a full, satisfying, busy life-outside of romance. Although they seem tough ('Don't talk to a man first'), they will teach you how to accept occasional defeat and move on. And although they require discipline ('No more than casual kissing on the first date'), they will bring out the best in you and in the men you date. The goal? Marriage, in the shortest time possible, to a man you love, who loves you even more than you love him.

Whether you're eighteen or eighty, a beauty queen or a woman with ordinary looks, The Rules* will work for you.

*As seen in Cosmopolitan, American Woman, and Woman's Own magazines.

A The Rules Sampler:

DON'T meet him halfway or go dutch on a date.

DON'T open up too fast.

DON'T call him and rarely return his calls.

DON'T expect a man to change or try to change him.

Sound familiar? You may have heard these rules already...from your grandmother! The reason she used them, along with generations of women before her, is that they work! When you follow The Rules you learn how to be a 'creature unlike any other' -- confident, radiant, happy. You understand why the man must make the first move -- and why you should never chase him. You stop waiting anxiously for the phone to ring -- because you're too busy living and pursuing your goals whether he calls or not. You stop making excuses for him when he doesn't call. You don't accept a weekend date after Wednesday. And you don't have sex on the first date. Or the second. Or the third.

For years, the authors of this book have been using and passing the rules along to their single friends. For years, the word has spread, with the growing number of 'Rules Girls' supporting each other and going to each other's weddings. Now it's time for you to find that out for yourself...


In case it didn't register the first time...CVNT.

and in case you think I'm sexist...here are two female writers who say Ellen Fein is, in their words, "the devil"

http://www.emandlo.com/advice/nerve/index.php?article=rulesgirls

This...is none too nice a review either...Rules followers as a cult?

http://www.ivyedge.com/Admission_Home/Sample/College_Essays/college_sample_essay_23/college_sample_essay_23.html

I like this one... she's right under Countess Bathory and Imelda Marcos as some of the leading bitches in history.

http://www.kidzworld.com/article/2007-women-in-history-who-suck

The rules are for those who look at Marie Antionette as a role model.

...speaking of Imelda...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN4UNKNsjjc

almost, man...close, but not quite.

[Garland]

this right here is what women want.

The Hedgehog is a hero. There was a biographical movie about him I watched and cried...that poor guy is trying so hard to make it into legitamite acting...and he seems awfully....lonely. Ironic, eh?

[nordmann]

Wonderful!

The book proportes ways to manipulate men. I'll try to find some excerpts that I came across reading it that absolutely blew my mind...the stuff is downright malicious. I already got a neg rep for the deep dicking comment...it was a bit crude and crass...but I think it's justified. The woman is evil.

To prove her point, Ms. Fein provided us with an excerpt from the upcoming book, what she calls the "Top Ten Rules for a Lasting Rules Marriage."

1) Be an inscrutable creature of mystery.

Being an inscrutable creature of mystery is really an attitude, a sense of entitlement that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (rarely), speak (affectedly) and listen (occasionally). If your hair falls in front of your eyes, sweep it back from your face in a long, sweeping gesture. If smoke gets in your eyes, fan it away in a long, fanning gesture. When he says "I love you," get a faraway look in your eye and cough lightly. Then say something vague like "Did I leave the oven on?"

2) Never do anything yourself that he can do for you.

Men love being asked for help, as this makes them feel useful and alive. Never lift anything that weighs more than 2.5 pounds without whimpering ever so slightly. Refuse to learn how to work the VCR. There is no game so compelling and no job so important that it cannot be dropped immediately so he can come to your aid. Men are biologically programmed to hunt and lift, and they appreciate the chance to demonstrate this at every opportunity.

. . . .

Gee. Judging by what I've seen, I'd say a few women I've known read those rules and didn't realize they were intended as farse.